Tuesday, April 10, 2012

10 Reasons Why It's Always Shitty in Philadelphia

In honor of the Pens' starting to kick the shit out of the Flyers tomorrow, I thought I'd start with a Not-Top 10 list of sorts.  Everyone really needs to start brewing up unreal levels of hate deep in your soul for the other side of the state, in order to survive these next two weeks.  I've tried to think of 10 things affiliated with that loathsome city that we're all embarrassed to admit is a part of this great commonwealth, that will piss you off at their very mentioning.

10.  The Phillie Phanatic. 

WTF is this stupid-ass green glob of garbage supposed to be, anyway?  Looks like Oscar the Grouch on steroids.  The Pirate Parrot would kick this thing's ass with both hands tied behind his back.  And while we're at it, what is a Phillie?  Is this thing a Phillie?  Or did you want to name your team after a female horse, but couldn't spell it?

9. Your sandwiches don't have fries and coleslaw.
If you don't believe that Primanti's > any lame-ass steak and cheese hoagie, then get the hell out of here and go read Mike Milbury's blog.

8. Your nickname is beyond queer.
"City of brotherly love?"  Really?  Sounds like some ultra-homoerotic mix of West Virginia and San Francisco to me.  Have fun getting your ass kicked by the Steel City.

7. Super Douche Treatment.
Remember when these commercials were funny and/or cute?  Seems like ages ago.  Any apologist that "Doesn't blame Max Talbot" or "Still likes Max Talbot" can eat shit and die.  He was, is, and will always be a horrible hockey player. News flash: without the "Shhh" we still beat Philly in '09.  He happened to score the only two goals of his life when it mattered most.  Thanks for that.  Now you're just another douchebag dressed like a PennDOT cone.  He'll be out at his douchey best all series long, guaranteed.  Hopefully Deryk Engelland ends his life.

6. Scott Hartnell, his hair, and his unusual diet.
I give Scott Hartnell :25 into his first shift Wednesday to piss all of us off.  He'll be in MAF's mouth all series.  He will attempt to put Pens players in his mouth and eat them.  The simple sight of his hair will make weak-stomached Pens fans vomit all over themselves.  You're the worst hockey player ever to manage to score 35 goals in a season.  Suck it, Hartnell.

5. Flyers fans like Cancer.

Yes, your hatred for Sidney Crosby is so strong that you're willing to boo a "Hockey Fights Cancer" PSA?  You stay classy, Philadelphia.  Which brings me to...

4. Crosby Sucks.
I was torn on including this.  Again, Flyers fans care far too much about hating Sidney Crosby to waste time on something as pointless as actually cheering for their team.  Years ago, this pissed me off to no end.  At this point, it's just hilarious.  I love to chant it with them after Sid lights them up for yet another huge goal.

3. Your fans hate everything.
Isn't being a sports fan supposed to be about loving your team and having their back against all opponents?  Not in Philadelphia.  They hate their own players and teams worse than any others.  They boo anything and everything.  Just do a quick Google search for "worst sports fans in America."  Philadelphia fans top every list.  Our players are beloved rock stars in our city, win or lose.  Yours?  Ugh, I feel bad for Dion Lewis and Shady McCoy.  Not to mention...

2. You can't win a championship in a sport that you can't buy them in.
1975.  1975.  1975.  You haven't won a Cup in 37 years and counting.  Eagles? NEVER.  76ers?  YEAH, RIGHT.  Any of your stellar lineup of college teams? LOL.  Sure, it's pretty easy to win a World Series when you're one of three teams in baseball that can afford to spend $170 million+ every year.  Try winning in a sport where any kind of parity exists.  Oh yeah, you can't.  Keep trying, d-bags.

1. Your city's best athlete is NOT REAL.
Quick: name a sports figure that has been honored with a statue in the city of Pittsburgh.  Mario Lemieux?  Art Rooney?  Willie Stargell?  Roberto Clemente?  Bill Mazeroski?  All acceptable answers.  All real, living (at least at one point) sports legends with championship legacies.  Now, same question, only now think Philadelphia.  Well?  Um....Hmm.....Rocky Balboa?  He was a movie character, not a real athlete.  Get real, jokes.  Hopefully this has set your mind right for tomorrow and beyond.  BRING THE HATE.  BE LOUD.  PHILLY SUCKS.  See you jagoffs at Consol on Friday.